I am what ...blogging? Really?

Here I am sitting on the computer children sleeping and me learning how to blog. Blogging is all new to me but I guess it is just a blank canvas to write ones thoughts or tell about your day. I will randonly write things...as you will see my mind jumps from one thing to the next so feel free to read!Hmm where do I even start...agh a thought...
I was born in Edmonton and really never broke the bars to escape the city until just recently in our move to Medicine Hat. On July 1 1979...the clouds parted the skies cleared, the birds chirped and God sent a beautiful baby girl down to my parents...agh what a glorious day. Edmonton will never be the same. I had a fairly "normal life" as one would say. My parents were very loving and made sure their kids never went with out.

I have an older brother Trevor, in which I love and look up to even though he received some hair loss and I a few fist fulls of hair...among other things such as some bruises and bumps and I some aggravation as he would mouth off to me and get me angry enough to do these things. Good times. Now we are all grown up, both of us with children and spouses but when we get together there is something about him that just makes me feel like I am 10 and him 12 and things never changed. Then reality slaps you in the face and you come to face the fact that the dreaded 3-0 is fast approaching and you along with your brother are becoming the people whom always seemed much much older the what you feel.




My mother is very giving sweet lady, who has taught me a lot about life and most of my morals and values which makes me who I am today. In some ways mother I are similar...like our obsession with having a ridiculously clean home, our gift of the gab, and our giving thoughtful nature (at least I think so anyways lol). Then there are some things we differ in which I think I may get more from my fathers side like my need for a rush or thrill like riding my motorcycle or wanting to skydive or even just hanging out and having a cold one with my hubby. Mother is changing as she ages which sometimes blows me away for example she had a beer on her last vacation...really! a beer! My mom a beer! This is quite shocking as she was the girl at a party when she was young tossing a poor guys beer out the window because she did not want to drink it. She has never liked the smell or taste of beer but apparently her taste buds change with age. I am quite close to my mom and share with her a lot, I really appreciate our friendship and our chats. She is the best grandma anyone could hope for their children and I know she would give the world to any of her grandkids.

Moving on to my father, oh how I miss him. My dad was the man who always made me laugh, the guy would give the shirt off his back for just about anyone. I remember as a kid I would stand on the bed and Dad would sweep my feet out from under me and I would get those butterflies rush to my tummy as I fell to the bed. My parents split when I was in grade four and those are memories I would rather not think of because it was hard times. Dad took my brother and I to Disney land and world for the first time and we made some cherished memories there. As I got older Dad and I talked on the phone every day and each time he would make me giggle.

In October 2003 I got a call from a friend and co-worker of my dads, telling me to go to the Sturgeon hospital because my dad is there...right away you get an instant panic...but I get in the car and drive there with a million thoughts racing through my head. What is wrong...did he get hurt at work, was it a car accident what is it! I find his room...walk in to see my dad perched on the side of the bed in a hospital gown and he looks okay...to the eye at least..oh what a relief, dad is going to be okay. I come closer look him in his eye and see his eyes have tears in them. I think what is wrong Dad you have never cried...dad I have never seen you cry! He looks at me and says honey I have cancer...my world instantly starts spinning...I think no dad..this can't be ...you are my dad and this does not happen to us. No. I run out of the room....down the hall and outside...I see an isolated spot where I cry, I say to myself...come on put yourself together and go back int here. So I do. We talk, he tells me he has been very sick lately and just avoiding going to doctors until he was at work and collapsed. He then was admitted to the hospital, the next night, I give up some hockey tickets and go to the hospital to watch the game with my dad in the tv room. In his hospital gown we go down the hallway and sit on the small couch, he puts his hand in mine for a bit and looks at me with his "it will be okay" smile and we watch the game. He gets released and they tell him he will soon get his diagnosis. We have that thanksgiving together and I will always cherish that time. Before you know it...he can barely breathe and is back in hospital. I go with him by ambulance to the Cross Cancer...there I fill out his paper work as he gets looked at by a doctor. That day my life changed. I come in the room and a doctor follows and sits down next to my dads bed. He has a concerned look on his face, eyebrows down and mouth flat. He looks at my dad and says Art, I am sorry to tell you that we can not treat your cancer, it is too far gone, it is everywhere, you maybe have 3 days to live. At that moment I felt so full of anger, anger at my dad for leaving me and for smoking angry at the doctor because it seemed as though he was not even trying just angry...so freakin angry! I once again look my dad in his eyes with tears running down my own, the doctor asks my dad if he understands this and I proceed to get my questions some what answered by the doctor. I leave to room cell phone in hand extremely distraught and upset thinking who do I call...my mom...she will help me...call mom. I call her she seems in shock but always so strong and says she will come meet me at the hospital. We go back to the sturgeon and meet there. That night I go home to call my brother who is out of town for work and tell him the news...it was so hard...my brother is another strong one in which it was hard to hear him so upset. I feel so robbed. The next day we go, dads condition deteriorating however we can still talk and dad was still loving his Pepsi but that's about it, we spend the night there. I terrified to be the only one in the room with him, lie next to him on a cot listening for his breathing scared...afraid of the number 13... as the next day was the 13th only hours away...then he was in room 13...13 just seemed to be a sign. Trev and I call the rest of dads family to tell them the news...dad stops eating...stops drinking...he lie there in a comma...I comb his hair...I talk to him...but we know the moment is coming...and its coming fast. Dad stops peeing you see his organs shutting down. The only time he manages to briefly open his eyes is when my mom tells him Tracy and Trevor are here, he looks at us and falls back into his deep sleep. I leave to have some quite time...I go to the chapel in the hospital...there I say a prayer. Trev and I go back to the room to tell my dad its okay ...you have been a great dad and we love you but if you want to be out of pain and go to somewhere better its okay to go. Only moments pass when you can sense he is taking his last breathes and you know its soon going to be all over...Trev and I cry...the entire room of family cries...Trev on one side I on the other hold his hands and tell him we love him but I cant resist to tell him no dad no...no...dont go dad...no. He takes one last deep breathe and leaves us and goes on to Heaven to be the best guardian angel one could ask for. The next few days I plan his funeral with my brother and my mom by my side, we clean out his apartment and start to get things in order. Oh did I say...room 13 November 13th and he died at 6:13. His funeral was on the 13th hour to continue with his theme there we also had the whole congregation open a can of Pepsi as my brother says a toast to my dad in heaven. Days go on into months and into years, he has now been gone for 5 and a half years and I think about him daily and miss him, but know I will see him again. My dad, my angel, my hero my shining star.

Pheww...I never knew I was going to get into that, never before did I write anything about this it feels relieving. Okay I am tired of typing for one day....maybe there will be more again.